My dear son,

I’m watching Adolescence on Netflix, and I need to over-articulate my limited understanding of human nature using terminology from therapy and gender studies. If you feel like killing a girl, don’t forget to talk to us about it. You must talk about your feelings; the modern man must talk, talk, talk. Not podcast; the world doesn’t need another podcast from a male. Talk to people who love you, and since they would be very few, also talk to underemployed friends who love to gossip.

You are showing some toxic signs already. They look a lot like signs of you being a boy, but they seem toxic. For instance, you spend hours alone because you love it. Your love for sports demonstrates a clear need for aggression and ambition. You have never plucked a single flower, which is disturbing. You don’t read made-up drama. You have no interest in Korean soap operas. Instead you probably watch porn, which is unhealthy because in the real world there is always a storyline.

You have a problem; it is a toxic substance called testosterone inside you. Testosterone builds muscle, improves oxygen delivery in the blood, reduces inflammation, enhances spatial problem-solving and memory, and influences fat distribution. It also triggers sexual desire. Most of what feminists think is caused by testosterone in men of their age is probably caused by morning cortisol; also women themselves have more testosterone, by mass, than estrogen. But you have many times the level of testosterone compared to a girl your age, and that is somehow worrisome.

I am told by reformers of men that there is something called a ‘manosphere’ (but then what in this world is not a ‘manosphere’). This though is a particularly devious world on the internet filled with stuff that boys might be interested in, like videos by fitness instructors on making muscles. A lot of it is spurious science, I was told by reformers, who are into auras, pranic healing and astrology, all of which are just peaceful forms of self-exploration.

Why are you building your muscles when you can do something superior, like stretching poses with Sanskrit names or sitting in a lotus position with eyes shut? Nobody knows what meditation means, but it sounds like something good.

Also, you should read literary fiction. All men should read it. This is the life-altering advice of all knowledgeable reformers of men, which includes men who are probably blessed with low testosterone levels. In a work of literary fiction, you will find delicate men who notice the colour of curtains. Like: “Grant caught sight of two layers of front-window curtains, both blue, one sheer and one silky, a matching blue sofa and a daunting pale carpet…” See, that is a new way to be. Men who read literary fiction are appealing and safe, unlike muscular men. The actor Timothée Chalamet, for instance, who is adorable. Even women who don’t read love men who read literary fiction.

My darling son, as you can see, the objective of your life should be to be more like women, but without their bone density.

You should start expressing your emotions more. You may argue that any fool who has watched sports will know that men express their emotions freely. But somehow that is not the same. You should express emotions in ways that are interesting to people who don’t find sports interesting. Though it was very moving to watch Roger Federer cry. Men should cry more. Your future girlfriend will hate you for it because ideally men should cry only when they win a grand slam, or on occasions as rare. But it is my duty to say in public that men must cry more.

You need to keep talking about your mental health, especially. A strange way of the world is that you will never hear diabetics give sermons on physical health; but much of the articulation of mental health is by people who say they are not mentally healthy. What lessons can people who are not physically healthy impart about physical health? Nothing. But there is much to learn about being mentally healthy from people who are short of it. How? No one knows, but surely that is just the way it works. So you must sit and listen to them talk about themselves.

You will observe in Adolescence how the female characters are constantly ‘regulating’ the emotions of men. This means that when a muscular guy in deep sorrow is getting angry with the world, flailing his arms and expressing himself in a negative way (even though he is never cross with his wife and daughter, whom he keeps referring to as “love”), he is calmed by the women who let him vent. This aspect of the series has reminded several reformers of men that all peace in a family is a contribution of women because they ‘regulate the emotions of men.’

Look, you may not fully understand this complex explanation from the ‘science of the humanities,’ which by the way I forbid you to study as you must seek a more lucrative career. What matters in life is not understanding all the good stuff, just knowing the synopsis of all the good stuff.

When we sit to watch Adolescence, you will notice a big flaw. We don’t see the point of view of the dead girl. Now that is because the creators of the series are men and may have indulged in something called the ‘male gaze,’ which is a device by which male artists express only what they know. You should, of course, condemn it. Every time you get a chance you must condemn men.

There is a sort of man who calls other men ‘misogynists’. Often such men turn out to be frauds, but it is an excellent way to defame your competition. Be smart, son, be modern. Don’t forget to talk to us.

(Stay and read other pieces.)